based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
