i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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