I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
