i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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