pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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