his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
