i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
