Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
