i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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