i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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