Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
