I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
