Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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