Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
