Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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