if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
