My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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