just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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