Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
