My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
