is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
