Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
