I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
