sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
