I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
