My first STD was from a foam party
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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