I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
