I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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