as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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