I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
