I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
