Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
