You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
