So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My cat gives me a boner
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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