you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
