I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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