she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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