my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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