You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize