Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
