What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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