My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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