Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
