the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
