those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize