1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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