First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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