My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
