I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
