you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize