the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
