he puts the penis in happiness.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
