I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
