just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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