Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
