I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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