I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
