she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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