I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
