when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
