Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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