1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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