There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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