Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
