So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize